True Love

What is the true definition of love? I don't know anymore to be quite honest with you. I just know when I think of what it would feel like if I were told that someone in my life was gone and I cry, then I love them. Now I know that sounds wierd as hell but if I am not willing to shed a tear for you then you mean dick to me. I won't think about you after you gone. Hell I might even get irritated with anyone bringing your name up. "My obligation to being cordial with him/her ended when they died." would be my reply. While being looked at with shocked eyes I would walk away without any regret of my comment.
There are people in my life now I currently feel that way about. Are they dead no. But if they were I would find it easy to go through a day with a true smile on my face. I am not wishing death on anyone, just don't want them in my life in any way. If that means them leaving permanently, I don't care the way out. I welcome it with arms open wide. Is that mean, maybe. I really don't care. Wow this is sick and twisted of me to think of.
Growing up with the brain I have has not been easy. I have seen and lived things that have made me strong, vulnerable, secure/insecure, pretty/not pretty, and human. It has taken me a while to learn to be careful with who to give a piece of my heart too. One person who recieved it by default (giving e life - so to speak) hurt me in ways I will never truly heal from. I still love him because of the whole default thing and I see him everytime I look in the mirror. The only two people I have NEVER tested the death theory out with are my two boys. They make me happy. My womanly cycle was made complete when they were conceived & born.
Can you truly love someone without wondering how much you would miss them if they were dead? Yes... That's just not how I do it. My mind is a never ending puzzle that seems to always keep going like a river. Some days it isn't so busy. There are others I wish I could sleep through just to shut up mentally. I am complicated like that. It makes me, me.
The thought of me being dead makes me cry... I love myself. Right along with a hand full of friends, two hands of family, and a few specks of others. No more and no less..